Stone cold. 

“I was your Amber, but now she’s your shade of gold.”

That one verse takes me back to my lowest place, I was “stone cold.” I had placed my happiness solely on a boy. My teenage girl mindset was to be happy, I needed to be in love. Other girls who were “in love” seemed so happy? Every girl wants that one boy to swoop in and save the day. 

At that point, I was already in a dark and vulnerable place. I thought I had found “that” boy; he encouraged me to keep going. He knew how dark my thoughts were. Slowly, I became “content” but never truly happy. It wasn’t until I lost that boy, that I could see I really wasn’t truly happy. 

The first couple of months after our relationship ended, I was shot straight into the darkest place I have ever been. During that time, I was also recovering from a major surgery, so I was on pain killers. The only way I could forget about the pain, not just physically but emotionally, was when I was medicated. I have never admitted this, mostly because of denial but also the shame I felt. These meds were the only thing that could keep me from crying; I was a mess, a pathetic mess. I hate showing vulnerability because so many people tell me I am “strong” and/or “inspirational”, their words not mine. How is escaping the darkness with medication strong?! 

Shortly after the breakup, this boy had moved on (they’re happy, my hubby and I are happy so no hard feelings). I remember feeling so betrayed, I thought he loved me? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t; either way I made him my savior. I was so wrong, so so so wrong. This boy is only human, he isn’t perfect and neither am I. 

Jesus, my Lord and Savior is perfect. He will never let me down like some boy would. It was then I realized, I am someone’s “shade of gold,” Jesus’. 

“Do not make idols or set up an image or sacred stone for yourselves, and do not place a carved stone in your land to bow down before it. I am the LORD your God.” Leviticus 26:1 (NIV) 

Xoxo, Em

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