Desire. 

Everyone has something they desire. For as long as I can remember, my desire was to be a momma. As a child, I was obsessed with baby dolls. To me, they were real; I would care for them as if they were real. 

My love for dolls faded, once my mom had my youngest sister Addison. At 12, what better thing could a girl obsessed with her lifelike baby doll ask for? I’ve always felt that’s why I have a special bond with Addie; even now at almost 23, I tend to mother her and sometimes I don’t even realize it. 

Yesterday morning during a church service I attended, the pastor was telling a story about his 7 year old grandson. He went on to say that this child’s mom, after a very long summer juggling her other young children while her husband was away working at a church camp, did everything she could to help this little boy make a lemonade stand to raise money for a future church mission (I can’t remember exactly what it was). She could have easily made an excuse saying how exhausted she was, but instead she did everything she could to help her child do something God was calling him to do. That story, hit me so hard. I leaned over to my husband and said “that’s the kind of mom I want to be.” He looked at me and smiled. 

A couple of weeks ago, I began to have this excruciating pain in my right side. Me being my stubborn self, I waited 5 days to go to the emergency room. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, so to the ER my husband and I went. They told me I had a kidney stone that was about to cause a very serious kidney infection and it would have to be surgically removed ASAP. So they decided to do an ultrasound and found I had a cyst, bigger than a softball, on my left ovary. This cyst had a lump on it, which caused concern that it could be cancerous. The only way to remove this cyst with the concerning lump, would be to completely remove my left ovary and fallopian tube. I knew this was something that had to be done, so 48 hours later I was headed into the OR to have it removed. Once I was out of surgery, the surgeon told me she ended up doing much more than just removing my ovary. There was a “lump” or “boil” type thing on my kidney, so she removed that. She also found that I was “eat up” with endometriosis. The healing process hasn’t been the most pleasant since I had 20 staples and many stitches underneath the skin, but I’m thankful to be home with my family and getting my energy back slowly. 

I tell you these stories, to focus in on the word DESIRE. My desire is to be a momma, that desire strengthened when Addie was born. That desire strengthened when I got married. That desire strengthened when my husband and I seen the faint positive on a pregnancy test. That desire strengthened when I started to miscarry. That desire strengthened when I heard the words “I’m so sorry Emily, it was a miscarriage.” That desire strengthened when I heard that story at church. That desire strengthens every Mother’s Day, every March (the month I miscarried), every November (baby’s arrival month), every time I look at my nieces and nephew, every time I see a pregnancy announcement or birth announcement. 

This desire, almost seems impossible now that I have one ovary. With this news being so new, I’m still in that negative mindset. I try to stay positive, and I feel that I do a good job considering the things I have been through, but this time it seems to be more challenging. 

I share this for all the ladies in similar situations, with this desire to be a momma but it not happening the way you thought it would. Our God is the Ultimate Healer and the Ultimate Comforter, He is with you; always. With Him, all things are possible. The enemy has used this desire and my circumstances to fill my head with the negative. I pray God gives you peace in this time, and I pray that for myself as well. God is bigger! 

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14 


xoxo, Em

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