Stone cold. 

“I was your Amber, but now she’s your shade of gold.”

That one verse takes me back to my lowest place, I was “stone cold.” I had placed my happiness solely on a boy. My teenage girl mindset was to be happy, I needed to be in love. Other girls who were “in love” seemed so happy? Every girl wants that one boy to swoop in and save the day. 

At that point, I was already in a dark and vulnerable place. I thought I had found “that” boy; he encouraged me to keep going. He knew how dark my thoughts were. Slowly, I became “content” but never truly happy. It wasn’t until I lost that boy, that I could see I really wasn’t truly happy. 

The first couple of months after our relationship ended, I was shot straight into the darkest place I have ever been. During that time, I was also recovering from a major surgery, so I was on pain killers. The only way I could forget about the pain, not just physically but emotionally, was when I was medicated. I have never admitted this, mostly because of denial but also the shame I felt. These meds were the only thing that could keep me from crying; I was a mess, a pathetic mess. I hate showing vulnerability because so many people tell me I am “strong” and/or “inspirational”, their words not mine. How is escaping the darkness with medication strong?! 

Shortly after the breakup, this boy had moved on (they’re happy, my hubby and I are happy so no hard feelings). I remember feeling so betrayed, I thought he loved me? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t; either way I made him my savior. I was so wrong, so so so wrong. This boy is only human, he isn’t perfect and neither am I. 

Jesus, my Lord and Savior is perfect. He will never let me down like some boy would. It was then I realized, I am someone’s “shade of gold,” Jesus’. 

“Do not make idols or set up an image or sacred stone for yourselves, and do not place a carved stone in your land to bow down before it. I am the LORD your God.” Leviticus 26:1 (NIV) 

Xoxo, Em

Genuine Love

After my tough breakup, I gave everything to God. I knew God shut that door to open a new and better door. God filled that hole with the truth of the Gospel. 

March 6, 2015; five months after the breakup was my 20th birthday. A guy named Jordan messaged me through Facebook to wish me happy birthday. He ended up sending a heartfelt message about how much he has cared for me since the 8th grade. Jordan and I have been neighbors since elementary school. He was a quiet guy, so we never really talked; although I knew he liked me since the 8th grade. Once we graduated high school, Jordan joined the Marine Corps and moved to California while I lived at home and went to college. 

About a week after Jordan messaged me, I knew he was the one God had for me. At the time, Jordan was deployed in Japan. We talked every night and every morning until the end of April when he came home for his post deployment leave. That evening he walked down to my house and asked me to be his. The next evening Jordan picked me up, wearing his dress blues, to take me on our first date. I was blindfolded and then taken to the lake where Jordan had candles lighting a pathway to a picnic table. There was a beautiful vase filled with flowers as the center piece. Jordan cooked steaks for dinner and we ate under the moonlight on the lake shore. A week later, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his FOREVER! 

We planned the wedding for July 4, 2015; what better day to a marry a Marine than Independence Day? A week before our wedding, Jordan was placed on an assignment requiring his time and presence, causing the wedding to be postponed. The following two days I had my bachelorette party and my bridal shower. After my bridal shower, I packed whatever I could fit into a suitcase and jumped on a plane to California the next morning. July 2, 2015 I said “I do” at the courthouse in Laguna Niguel. 

Becoming Jordan’s wife has been the greatest decision I’ve ever made. The way he loves me, cherishes me, and encourages me is incredible. I never would have guessed a few months after my worst heartbreak would come my greatest blessing. 

Xoxo, Em Shellman 

 

Heartbreak. 

You learn that God’s plan can be different from your plan. I never really understood that until I experienced true heartbreak. 

I was 16 years old when I began having feelings for my first real boyfriend. We started out as good friends, but we both became aware that we had strong feelings for one another. I felt that this guy was “the one.” He was everything to me, but our relationship was toxic. Instead of looking to God, I looked to “him.” We acted as though God was the center of our relationship, but I think we both knew deep down that wasn’t true. 

We were together for almost 3 years when we broke up. Once we were separated, I started to see the things I was doing wrong. My heart was completely broken, but it took a tough breakup to show me I was idolizing “him.” God rescued me from that heartbreak. My relationship with God and my family grew so much during that time. I was finally truly happy for the first time. 

It’s been a year since the breakup and I am now married to the most amazing man! Once I made God first in my life, He opened doors I never thought would open. God’s plan is ALWAYS better than your own. I’m thankful that God has shown me so much grace, in all areas of my life. 

Next week I’ll be sharing the story of how my hubby and I came to be! 

Xoxo- Em

Scars. 

Starting in middle school, I began to see the difference between other girls and myself. I slowly lost my self confidence, by the 10th grade I was very depressed. My illness made me feel less than other girls. I used to envy the girls who society said was “perfect.” I was too immature to see that beauty doesn’t define perfection, because only Jesus is perfection. 

My depression started because of low self esteem. I felt because of my scars, I wasn’t good enough. It eventually became a deeper issue. My body, mind, and heart wasn’t good enough; or so I felt. I could find every “flaw” in myself. I would stand in the shower with that razor blade, but never cut. I would stare at that pill bottle, but never attempted suicide. I came to the realization, as I matured, that I was being selfish. The bible says that my body is a temple, so how could I damage my body? How could I take myself away from my loved ones? 

God gave my heart acceptance and peace. Acceptance, I accepted that I am different, because of my illness, but in a good way. Peace, my heart needed peace to accept the truth. I am the daughter of a King. Jesus died on the cross for MY sins, He knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb. God brought me through my darkest moments, I am thankful for His grace. 

Xoxo- Em